Coke totally rocks! I buy Coke regularly and have found that it really improves my quality of life. Here are my favorite 7 ways to use Coke. I hope these tips enrich your life as much as they have mine.

1.) Toilet bowl cleaner. Pour a can into your toilet bowl and let it sit for an hour. It will clean that nasty ring around the bowl quite nicely and even deep clean stains off the porcelain!

2.) Windshield cleaner. Have you ever noticed how hard it is to get that “road haze” off your windshield? Even your toxic windshield soap won’t usually cut through it, but a little Coke will to the job in a snap.

3.) Stubborn stain solution. Got nasty greasy stains? Well, if you pre treat those stains with Coke and then pour the rest of the can in with your regular detergent, you can cut through even the wost greasy mess.

4.) Engine cleaner. If it gets grease out of clothes, it must be good for cleaning your engine for the next car show, right? Try it out – it’s a much cheaper solution than hiring a detail shop to steam-clean it.

5.) Corrosion buster. Pour some Coke on your car battery terminals to clean them up nice and shiny. No wonder Coke is the most common vending machine in car parts and repair centers. Oh, the myriad of automotive uses!

6.) Rust remover. Just put some Coke on the trouble spot, let it sit for a few minutes and then scrub with some crumpled up aluminum foil and that rust will surrender with very little fight.

7.) Insect repellant. Simply pour it all over your body to ward off those nasty bugs. Diet Coke is the best choice for this however, because it won’t leave you as sticky after it dries. Even flies are repelled like a charm! They are happy to land and hang out on any fresh pile of poop, but they wont go anywhere near your Coke-soaked body.

I’m not one to procure sympathy from others, but I know people who play the “victim” role and love to feed off people feeling sorry for them, so if you are one of those types, here are 4 bonus reasons for Coke (and these are actual reasons to drink the stuff).

• Bone fractures on demand. Coke leaches calcium out of your bones like no other, so drinking the stuff will drastically raise your frequency of bone fractures. With a little effort, you could even snap a bone on demand! And this is with adults, so imagine the effect it has on children. Just ask childrens orthopedic doctors about how coke effects children’s bones and their tendencies to get a fracture. Imagine being at a pity party for someone else, but you’d rather steal the show. Merely step off a stair sideways with a slightly funky angle and your hip and/or leg/ankle/foot should give way with a loud “snap” for all to hear, as well as an obvious and visual fracture (compound with arterial spray if you’re lucky), showing everyone at the party that you now deserve all the pity redirected immediately to you!

• Increase that stubborn fat. Need to claim bad genetics as an excuse for your weight, but you know it’s not true? Want to sabotage a diet so you can show your spouse that you are a hopeless case so they will stop nagging you to eat right? Are you losing weight and starting to feel uncomfortable about people hitting on you now? Coke is the perfect solution. It will dehydrate you, making it almost impossible to burn fat off your body. It is also loaded with high fructose corn syrup which is clinically proven to turn you into a fat storing machine. It will also turn off your hunger satiety mechanism, forcing you to gorge on food like there is no tomorrow. Diet Coke is just as effective, because the artificial sweeteners do the same thing, but will further add to the toxins to your fat cells, making them even more stubborn.
• How about chronic inflammation, arthritis, gout, cancer, and diabetes to increase that sympathy vote? Just drink Coke and all your dreams will come true. For maximal suffering and sympathy before you die early, MS and Parkinson’s are drastically accelerated due to the fact that artificial ingredients (especially artificial sweeteners) are excitotoxins which kill your nerve cells (especially brain cells) at a rate that would (and literally does) blow your mind.
• Feed your addictive personality. Yep, Coke is loaded with chemicals that make you physically and mentally addicted to it, so if you would like to give up gambling or swap with another addiction, Coke might help. It won’t help with other food or beverage addictions though. It will make those worse.

If on the other hand, you’d rather get off the stuff, then try filtered water. If that doesn’t cut it, try green tea. Still not havin’ it? Give Zevia brand cola a shot or make your own favorite pop with a SodaStream machine using natural flavoring options. Still can’t do it? Check yourself into a rehab clinic and get cleaned up. It’ll be worth it.